The side of Spousal Abuse less talked about… battered husbands

This verse is to all the abusers who think “I am not doing anything wrong. S/He deserves it”

“Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; 
who substitue darkness for light and light for darkness; who substitue bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter! Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight.”
Isaiah 5:20-21

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update on my brother: His ex-wife is claiming he abused her. My brother has NEVER in his life been violent, and neither his first wife or other female relationships have EVER accused him of being violent. It just goes to show how scociopaths work. They lie to their friends, their friends believe her because they have never seen the real “her”. If they have ever stopped to ask her if she hit or did any of the things she was accused of, I know she would get defensive with them. Its her way, she gets defensive and tells you to stay out of it and its none of your business. That is a dead give a way that she is guilty and she doesn’t want to admit to it to you or her self. This women is good at blaming others for her own actions, and she is so good at manipulating people by acting naive that they really believe her. She is not naive, how can an intelligent women who holds degrees be naive?
~~~~~~~~

Spousal abuse is widely know and there are lots of help out there if you are being abused, by your husband.

But what if you are the husband being abused?

Emotionally
Physically

Here we discover a double standard. Its Ok for a wife to get drastic, but men are expected to stick around and continue to be abused because after all, how could that little ol” wife beat up on a big powerful man?

It seems that if a man is being abused by his wife or significant other, that its a sign of weakness because he doesn’t stand up to her. Even if he has, but she still thinks there is nothing wrong with her behavior and does not feel sorry that she does it, nor excepts that she is wrong in her actions.

But what about the strength that he has to endure all this for years so that he can be there for his child/ren? There is strength in that. He does what he thinks is best for his child/ren, staying so that his child/ren have both parents, and that he can support them financially.

He could call the cops on her, like she would do if it was her, but he wouldn’t do that because he would want to protect his child/ren from seeing their mom in cuffs. Then he would be the bad guy.

If a wife leaves her abusive husband, she is commended, as she should be, for getting away, even if she takes off and disappears with no contact for just a month or two. If a husband who is abused takes off in the same manner, he is ridiculed. Being accused of “how could he leave his wife” and other stupid comments from people who don’t know the truth. They only know what the wife says as she acts like the innocent victim, all the while hiding her horrendous acts from those who know her.

People don’t seem to take serious that abuse can and does happen to husbands.

Preface on my brothers story:

I want to start before I spew (yes I am partly spewing because I am tired of the lies and garbage and I want the truth out) and let you know this. The, husband and wife, both did things wrong. We supported both the best we could offering help, even after he left, we offered our help and support for her, which she refused. She has since said a few lies about us, that we were harassing her which all my emails to her were with kind words and I copied all my emails to her pastors wife so that this would not happen, but apparently it has. She has also said that I instigated a situation involving my mom and my brother and a phone call, which I did not and my mom can verify that one. So I am not sure what is going on as she knows that I have never gone against her directly. I have no reason to. She is not an evil person, (at least I didn’t think she was) and I don’t think she is a bad person, she just did bad things to her husband that did effect everyone. You may see some of this repeated but in more details.

I know, my brother has suffered from this for years. This is just some of his experiences. 

  • I have seen the blood running down his face with huge gauges out of his face (I took pictures).
  • I have seen other scratches over the years and have heard the stories of “what she did to me this last time”. 
  • Our youngest daughter witnessed her with her arm around  his neck, sitting on  him, and she told my daughter to hide his keys so he couldn’t leave.
  • For the first 4 years of his sons life, he wasn’t a loud to be alone with his son because he didn’t know how to be a parent. huh?
  • He wasn’t a loud to discipline his own son because he didn’t know how to do it correctly. And if he did do it, he got hours long lectures over what he did wrong and how it should have been done. After all, she is a perfect parent and he is not.
  • He has said, as well as their son, that they were not a loud around us or to come in our house.
  • He got sex with held from him for about 2 years as punishment for not acting properly. I believe there is a bible verse about that one, condemning that kind of act. 1 Corinthians 7:5
  • I have seen his wife scream in his face and I am surprised the neighbors didn’t see all this.
  • I have heard her words that were cruel and evil beating him down. 
  • There are other family witnesses to the accusations.
  • We have heard her tell him all the time to leave or for us to take him home with us. 
  • My husband has seen her punch him in the face and her just walk away like nothing happened.
  • We all had looming suspicions of her intentions from the beginning, a baby to tie her here. I am still not convinced on this one, but another family member believes it. As a mother, I can’t comprehend this one.
  • He wasn’t a loud to handle the bills. He never knew how much money they had, what the credit card bills were, and so on. He didn’t care, he thought she was handling everything wisely. I think she was. 

This is just some of the things that we have witnessed our selves, and of course we have the hearsay but if you can’t believe someone who does not have a reason to lie to you, you have to believe them. He doesn’t have a reason to lie, (other than when he is trying to avoid confrontation with his wife because he knew he would “get in trouble”) It would have been a hard lie to keep up from the time they dated through the whole marriage. We were supportive of the marriage even though we knew these things. We even let her stay with us while living in AZ to show our support and help to them. We don’t like divorce, but we don’t like abuse either. We really wish it would have worked.

But to continue on…

I just recently found out that while my daughters were over visiting, that the wife called for my youngest. When she came down the stairs, my brother was sitting on the floor with the wife on his back choking him, telling my daughter to hide the keys so he couldn’t leave. When I asked why she didn’t tell me sooner, she said she didn’t know what to do. If I would have known this earlier, I would have done something about it. Like call the police and press charges my self.

As a family, we tried to support them and offer help. But it didn’t help.
We have heard so much and seen so much.

You are probably asking us why we didn’t do something more.
Maybe because he was the husband being abused and we kept telling him to do something to defend his self.
Maybe it was because when we mentioned call the police on her, he begged us not to, partly because he didn’t want to mess up her visa.

If it were my sister, because she would be a women defenseless against a man, we would have done everything possible to protect her.

Why couldn’t we protect a brother?

I guess because you expect a man to be stronger and put her back in her place. But some men just respect women too much to do much of anything. Some don’t won’t to deal with it, or tell anyone, because they would look weak, and men shouldn’t look weak.

But I can tell you, anyone person, male or female, would get emotionally weak dealing with abuse year after year.

My brother finally left, with help. We couldn’t do anything about it, he just disappeared, like women do all the time. Our family did not agree to the way he left. We had offered help. He didn’t want out help, he was afraid of what she might do if he stayed in the city. He was convinced if he left to a hotel or apartment, that she would come after him and then call the cops on him for the very physical abuse she had been dulling out since before they even married. He was scared, didn’t know what to do, didn’t know where to go for help. Men don’t have places to go for help.

We offered help to his wife over and over. She refused. She said she didn’t want us in the middle. Why did she not want us in the middle? Because we knew the real truth? That her little 5′ self was the aggressor? I think so. I don’t think she wants anyone to know what really went on behind those closed doors because she knows we know. And she still want admit to any wrong doing on her part.
My brother would have, as he has proven in the past, stuck with her if she just would have admitted she was doing something wrong and wanted help and forgiveness. Every counselor they had went to pointed out what was going wrong, and she wanted to switch counselors because they were all siding with him. Why do you think that was?

I know my brother is not the easiest to live with. He is snippy and loud. But he is also a push over. He doesn’t like confrontation. He doesn’t communicate well. But forcing him to talk till wee hours of the night when he had to get up for work in the morning, was not the way to deal with him. He felt trap. His loud, not physical, outbursts happened because he felt so trapped and humiliated all the time, in his suffering.

I am not saying she is a bad person in general. She is not. She just doesn’t know how to handle conflict well with out attacking the very people who don’t agree with her or who doesn’t act like she thinks they should.

So if you know a man going through this, don’t think he should be stronger and take care of it them selves. Be strong for them. Take care of it for them. They can’t do anything about it because they truly have been beat down, just like a women would be.

They love their spouse and they know their spouse loves them.
They don’t want them to go to jail.
They don’t want the children to live without a parent.

My brother finally left, and with good reason. He had to get his head on straight. He left for a few months with no contact. He had too. If he would have stayed in town, we all have no doubt that she would have tried her hardest to get him arrested. He had to go through therapy to get over all this control he has had on his life.

He was condemned for it. Yet if he were a women, he would have praised. But instead, he gets called names and his wife is treated like the victim and he is scum. Like I said before, if this was a women, she would be praised for getting away.

Its a double standard.

We have to start standing up for our men who are abused.

I am going to look for foundations to get involved with. I have to do something. I can’t sit by and let men be the monsters when they are the ones abused and don’t retaliate against the wife or significant other.

Join me in my fight!

Share with me your stories.

Let me know of foundations you know of.

Praying for our family is a big help also.
We fight the thoughts to be revengeful. But that is not right. I have to do something positive about this instead. I must use my anger for good.

Here is a list of “red flags” for abuse, and I see A LOT of things that should have been “red flags” that should have caused us to do something. click HERE to see the list.

Some sites I found:

http://www.soencouragement.org/whymenstay.htm

http://www.drirene.com/catbox/index.php?showtopic=41156

http://www.spousalabuse.biz/

http://www.livescience.com/2082-men-hidden-victims-domestic-violence.html

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This entry was posted in Abused Men/Husbands, Home/Family, Soapbox/Rambling. Bookmark the permalink.

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